Convictions

A lot of things snapped into place for me last weekend. I was talking to my coach on Wednesday, trying to process the wave of emotions that steamrolled me, and I realized that at the heart of it – I was deeply convicted to stop casually dating and instead, live my life with more intention. 

My best friend Karina married my favorite cousin Zach last Saturday. It was an achingly beautiful, bittersweet moment – a hello and goodbye – all in one day. I was simultaneously over the moon that she was joining my family and heartbroken at saying goodbye to a phase in our lives. Karina and Zach closed one chapter as they stepped into an exciting new adventure and my nostalgic heart cracked a little. 

As I prepared my maid of honor speech and reflected on their relationship – from the time I introduced them two and a half years ago – to the sacrificial love and unwavering commitment they now stand in – I realized that I’m not asking for too much. Standing at Karina’s side and hearing their vows, crying at their first dance – it made me believe in love again.

Over the last few years, my view on dating was very open. I was excited to meet new people, experience new perspectives, and broaden my horizons. However, this led to entering potential relationships with men that didn’t share the same values – expecting them to eventually “come around” and adopt similar views.

You can’t change people. Even if they’re willing to change at the moment, they’ll resent you later. Change has to be intrinsic or it’ll never last.

My past situationships were the result of excessive optimism and deep loneliness. I used to approach relationships from a place of brokenness. I craved attention, doubting my worth without it.

Now I’m at the point in my life where I value consistency over spontaneity. I enjoy my own company – so much that it’s hard to find men I prefer to my solitude. I’m blessed with a great job, incredible friends and family, and a routine that I love.

After witnessing Zach and Karina, I’ve realized that a Christ-centered relationship is the one thing I can no longer compromise on. And if I’m looking for a man with integrity, a man that will show our children the meaning of love, I need to become a woman that lives by those values.

Surrender is scary. We’re taught to be fiercely independent, to create our own luck, but striving constantly is exhausting. I’m learning to let go and trust in the promises of Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 1:6. During this break from dating, I’m excited to cultivate deeper relationships with friends and family and spend more quality time with the Creator of my soul.

-a.j.